motherhood marking moments: {{this}} moment.

tonight i choose to sit for 20 minutes and reflect here as a part of my lenten practice of sitting. in {{this}} moment: i am sitting in a lovely vintage red chair.  a child sized chair in my kitchen.  the lights are low.  i can hear the sounds of my sleeping boys and i know my mother is upstairs resting.  i sit still and feel the muscles in my body tell their story of the day.  i inhale love.  i exhale what i no longer need to carry from this day.

i listen.  i receive.

entering my seventh+ year of motherhood, i am marking this journey.  i am marking {{this}} moment in small, significant ways.  i am reaching into the well within.  i am listening to my truth.  i am celebrating a surprise trip from my mother and delighting in her company.  as she is fully present, i am listening to the whispers within of my beginnings and the lessons she carved into my being.  i'm sitting with these echoes from memory as i share with her the spaces of my own: my studio and our home.

in this moment, i take note that my shirt tells a story of the day.  flour from baking cakes. paint & stray threads from straightening in the studio.  marinara from tonight's pizza.  a ponytail that means business. ((and that my long-awaited haircut is coming within a few days! so glad becky returns to town!)) i look down recognizing that my nails have taken a rest from polish for a few days.  putting on that coat or two or four in the morning will mean that a party is coming!  the big six. oh, my.  my mama heart swells.

i love marking these moments with love and sweat and tears.  there's always that glorious combination of water and salt that comes through with love.  we taste and we drink and we know.  we drink from that well of wisdom within and our bodies react with tearful truths:

we are love.  we love.  

we are known.  we witness.  

i witness my son's life.  i try my best. to make good food. to create good spaces for delight and rest.  i try my best to also remember. to take deep breaths and witness what's taking place.  i also listen. with a short list to finish for the big six, i didn't stop to sit in the floor with him when he asked me to play legos. i will tomorrow.  and the next day.  sometimes the practice of sitting comes surrounded by legos. ((note to self: remember that lesson.))

today. today i mark moments with flour, with salt, and with water.  i mark moments with words. and with fabric. and thread.  i mark moments by becoming still and sitting.  and reflecting.  i mark moments with others beside me whom i love and am so thankful to see in my home.  

today i share from my heart what is true: mothering is one of the greatest gifts in my life.  i am so, so grateful for this child.  i long for my dear, dear, dear ones who have mothering hearts and a strong desire for children of their own.  i cherish my mama friend who just had her second DNC in 7 months, and my heart breaks for her.  i grieve for mamas i know and love who have lost babies, embryos, and children.  ((candles are lit.  prayers uttered.  breaths breathed.  love sent.))

my heart is always filled with their faces, their stories, their hearts.  i mark my own journey and carry them within me just as i am blessed and carried within them.  we carry each other.    

we are known.  we witness.  

we are love.  we love. 

teary?  we mark those moments, too.  there is laughter here.  there is love here.  there are tears, too.  oh, what a dear, wonderful, mysterious, precious, creative life we experience.  

((deep breath.))  sending love.  sending love.  sending love.  

xo.

A Journey with Grief: 7 week Bereavement Support

Another bereavement support group will soon take place in Richmond, VA. I'll be one of the support group facilitators. If you are grieving and would appreciate the support of others who journey with you, please register. The entire support group is free. You come with a willingness to invite healing.

JOIN US FOR . . .

A Journey with Grief

for all who are grieving the loss of a loved one

A Journey with Grief is a non-traditional grief support program including creative expression, education, and small group support sessions. The creative expression component can be experienced as individuals or as family groups. The small group sessions are designed for age groups. The program provides support for preschoolers (3 years old) through adults. The program is free of charge for all participants. A light supper will be served each night at 6 p.m. Group starts at 6:30 p.m.

What: Grief Support (for any loss and any age)

When: Thursdays, Feb 24 – April 7, 6 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.

Where: Offices of the Association for the Support of Children with Cancer (ASK), 5211 Broad Street (near Willow Lawn shopping center), Richmond, VA

Parking: Free

TO REGISTER CONTACT: ANN CHARLESCRAFT, Manager for Bereavement Services, VCU Health System, 804-828-4661 or acharles@vcu.edu

Sponsored by VCU Health System Department of Pastoral Care

Journey With Grief Fall Support Group for Mothers

if you or someone you know could benefit from this group, please pass along this information. peace be with you. peace.

lenten lessons

among the lenten lessons learned, i've been challenged today by my wise sage: my therapist. she's a kindred spirit, colleague, sojourner, and wise one. among those fabulous traits i consider her to be a speaker of truth.

when i told her today that i'd given up my inner critic for lent, she suggested that i should never give up my inner critic saying, "i'm so glad that it's almost Easter because you need your inner critic. you need her." from her words through the stirrings of today i'm beginning to believe that i need her voice within me. she's the one to call my heart into attention when something is out of line. she is there to help me to become mindful. she is present in times that i need her voice.

she is also there and can sit with the wise elder and be heard. the wise elder knows how to listen to the inner critic. you need both to be whole.

wow. that is something to ponder. it seems fitting that my wise sage challenges me this holy week, on the final path to easter. as i ponder, i will look with wise eyes and allow the inner critic to speak to me, i will listen. i will not react. i will not turn the critic's voice into my own, but i will listen. she may have learned something from the wise elder. i know the wise elder is with me and present to me. i know that when i live in the fullness and wholeness that is me, i am not pulled apart by critic, elder, muse. i am not woman, mother, wife, teacher... i am me. i am whole. i am divine.

it is in the divine light that i seek to be made whole, seek to be restored, seek to be a light for others. today, now, i seek to be me. in the fullness and beauty of me. me. in the light and darkness of life, for in darkness we see light. in darkness we grow and are warmed in our mother's womb. in both light and darkness, with both the critic and wise elder i am me.

there are very real lessons that i am able to learn each day, as we all are. sometimes we must stand in the light of our truth and the light of our love to see our fullness, even for a moment. there i want to reside. there i want to grow. so, i will be. i will be enough, not resisting the critic, but living with her. through lent i have found that her presence has been quiet most of the time. when i try to push her away, she fights back. when i rest with her, she is still. there's still a pondering there, but maybe a birth place for the critic to herself grow into a wise one. perhaps.

the 65 roses project

my friend Nikole is awesome. she's an amazing women, mother, artist... aunt. read about her project on her blog: a happy nest. she's making 65 roses in honor of her beautiful niece caroline. i won't add my words except to send you to hers: go. go now. take your favorite mug filled & read. take a look at the amazing work of her hands in making a happy nest for her & her family. indeed: she is awesome. i look forward to selecting one of these and wearing it for caroline...

tears bring a creative time to heal

Anne Lamott spoke recently at the 2010 WomanKIND conference in Richmond at St. James Episcopal Church. I've been thinking about the words she used and instead of telling you about her words, I thought I'd share some of her thoughts on crying.

Tonight begins a new bereavement group that I will lead using art as creative expression. Each stroke speaks to healing: the hope to heal from a child's early death to the anger of watching a child suffer through illness. Each moment breathing in each other's stories will be a sacred time, a restoring time. A time to honor and a time to grieve.

As I processed my own emotions over a friend's heart breaking moments in life, I processed through art. I share that image with you in this post, as tears were involved. Tears that turned into song.

Anne Lamott's Thoughts on Crying from WomanKIND 2010. My Notes:

Mother Theresa: We can't all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.

Pour into others, trust, & let go. Cry. Breathe.

Crying: is a sacrament. there's a salvation to crying.

We [women] are raised to believe to get over certain losses. You'll never get over all of them. There's not a system of getting over this, though the world thinks so.

Subversive: cry as much and as long as you need to.

Crying & Anger: gives YOU you back.

Water like a plant mister. Will hydrate the ground & your feet. Brings you to your butt & that's where grace is. Advent is a time to grow plants. Seeds, and that's in the dark. We don't know what we're growing.

Face your shadow. Cry your eyes out. Will wash you into where the divine intelligence. It is where/who you really are.

life story: dreams & open hands

sometimes you don't need to take hold of something when it's offered. i listen to my dreams as i'm able, some of which i remember, others escape memory before the eyes are fully opened. when words people use return to me in dreams, i ask myself if the words matter as words or phrases or if the words represent a larger image.

much of my current retreat imagery is centered around our hands. there are indeed times to which we use our hands to bless. i remember the sacred heads of so many young children in Africa who bring their heads to your hands to receive blessing. you place your open palm on their head and speak words, SOPA, if memory serves spelling.

there are times to create with our hands. from the daily bread we make (i'm learning to bake more each week) to brushing one's teeth in keeping good health. we use our hands to sew and bake, paint and praise.

of course, we are reminded by memory, story, or scars that hands are sometimes used for violent acts. sometimes hands are withheld strategically and that is hurtful and harmful.

in my adult life, i often move through the day without much reflection on the hands that touch me. my son's hands, my husband's hands. those who i meet for the first time and we shake hands. i don't count how many, many times a day i wash my own hands: more when visiting the hospital or my son's day school and a fair amount on any given day.

the dreams that i have dreamed recently are something of my own doing. i'm caught in a little tug-o-war within my thoughts: recognizing ideas that i generated now claimed by others and the moment of one's asking to piggy-backing on my dreams then becoming a dream of another. should i talk more openly to these? does it really bother me or am i just remembering words in dreams and that's that? i have let these thoughts go and then they only return again...

recognition isn't real. whatever illusions i have of seeing "my name in lights" isn't permanent. when i think of the words mentioned above & conversations of the past, i'm certain these would remember their words differently. i'm also pretty certain i'd blessed their paths, blessing the piggy-back for a while.

i teach of and speak of the importance of naming. and yes, i do copyright my words and material online: words & images. so, claiming your own work is important, too. the path i tread is not a new one, but one in which others have tread. my feet, my presence are what make the experience unique. words are spoken and tossed around all the time, but my words strung into phrases, sentences, and hopefully soon a book, those words are unique because they flow through me. so...what's the approach now?

my hands are open, outstretched, ready to take the moment as it's given to me. i'm not holding onto the past because it weighs down my momentum. i'm releasing these words into the air as i type, permitting their journey to places unknown. no harm will come to me or others unless there is guilt that another wants to hold in their hands. i'm living with my sleeping dreams and releasing the words each time i remember them, each time i open my eyes with that sleepy memory.

and i do not wait, but move in each moment using my hands to touch, heal, bless, create, love, and caress. i will use my hands for the purpose of healing: myself and others, and not to hurt. i'm not taking hold of the words or actions of others that bind me. i choose to hold onto what frees me: what makes me whole in each moment. these steps of centering my focus, releasing the sticky burrs that catch, and moving forward with open hands are the steps that carry me to my most whole self.

called to awareness

for those who suffer in silence. for those who advocate.

for those who wait.

for the new life homes. for children and adults alike.

for men and for women.

for those who hope. for a cure. for a moment of sheer joy.

for an end to suffering. for an end to silence.

for one to listen. for one who will sit and hold a hand.

peace. love. peace.

life stories: magic beans

what a sweet treat but for my farming husband to harvest these beautiful magic beans this morning.  i loved receiving this treat of our first black beans harvest.  they're simply magic. these simple, beautiful beans are such a source of inspiration to focus on this moment.  the colors are so lovely with hints of purple.  beans, that when planted create magic as their plants grow.  oh, i love our happy garden and our cozy home.  

it's a treat to have the home all to myself today.    i love the day getting my work and fabrics organized, tying up some loose business ends, taking photos of a truly artsy friend's spectacular work, and taking deep breaths.   all of this energy will be poured into creativity, with those magic beans near.  i'll celebrate new art and design as i carve, and will work on writing a new program working with the chronically ill for the fall and prepare for the evening's bereavement work.

these magic beans care for me in their simplicity and beauty as i create work that is meant to care for others.    

a week of story

as i prepare for a storytelling & art event for a fellow young clergy woman, i am excited and energized.  her theme "the story of me" is go great.  these teenagers will work with me and make accordion-style books incorporating painting, collage, drawing, and journaling.  can you tell that so much will happen in a short amount of time?  we'll have a grand time creating and talking.  above is the custom logo created for her theme and will be put to great use.  the stories shared will be full and meaningful.  it's going to be amazing.  i'm looking forward to the entire week, including gathering with sweet friends and reconnecting in meaningful ways.

these days have been busy enjoying the mild summer, cooking with really good produce, watching my preschooler grow and discover, vending at various markets in town, creating new hairpins & art, and writing plans for upcoming group work.  a good life.  a creative life. 

time to sew

my hands have been busy this past week getting the quilts complete for the bereavement group last night.  whew.  i'm glad that all have their work in hand, stories shared, and plans to continue with a monthly gathering.  such good support has taken place among these individuals and families.  they give to each other because they know what they need to receive.  they support + love each other in ways they need love + support.  it's a beautiful weaving of stories, tears, and laughter.  

as i've been stitching these quilts by hand and machine, i've been thinking through the next series of works for my shadow/art boxes.  of course the image found at twig & thistle stayed in my mind, and i just had to work with that image this week.  you'll see my two interpretations above.  one for my sweet husband for father's day today and the other for mixed media.  sew inspiring. 

a holy breath

pretty picture from the national aquarium.  jo and i went with our friends from across the pond, and we had a grand time.  though our trip to baltimore was back in march, i thought this would be a fun picture to share today.  we're gearing up for a quick weekend trip to the mountains.  we find nature so restorative to our souls as a family.  once i returned from the youth retreat in the mountains at camp little crossroads, i knew we needed a family outing!  the mountains are calling again.  the beach is calling.  the spa is calling.  right?   

the essence here is that we need these holy breaths outdoors.  we have our list for the summer, and some we've had for the spring that have been moved to the summer because of time.  we'll have time as a family to engage each other and enjoy all that good time together.  from the quiet of our backyard and weeding the garden to watching each other hike, we'll have those good, deep breaths in nature that we so need.  we'll have the trips to the gardens, the trip with grandma to the DC zoo, the trip to the NC zoo + gardens, the stroll through Duke Gardens, and more.  So many places, cultivated and natural both.  oh, i'm so excited.  my thoughts tonight turned to these anticipated outings as i departed from the bereavement group.  it's such an amazing group of courageous individuals.  

we had a wonderful time at the youth retreat.  the ladies were a great deal of fun to work with.  creativity certainly abounded!  there's so much to say about art and spirituality and the connections we all share.  there are so many spaces to grow and explore with others in this life.  i'm in awe of creation and amazed at the created work of our hands in all these spaces and groups.  may the work of your hands be blessed!

food for your mind, body, and spirit

last year we participated in a Community Supported Agriculture program with our friend-farmers darbi & adam.  their CSA was great!  the food, which i blogged about here from time-to-time, gave us such inspiration for good food throughout the 20 weeks.  this year we will be canning more to carry even more of the good tastes into the fall and winter.  

you can view their site (which i am helping create) by visiting www.fertilecrescentfarm.com. they currently have space available for the 2009 growing season.  i'm spreading the word this week, because i'm getting excited for the beginning of that season in may!

if you aren't sure that you can use, can, or freeze the amount of food they describe per week, you can split your share with a friend or colleague.  

fertile crescent farm is giving some of their seasonal food toward our Feast: Festival of Word, Table, and Image.  Another YCW member and I have organized this celebration of women's voices through sermon, food, and art to take place on Friday, May 1, 2009 in Richmond, VA.  Take a gander at the amazing list of women that will "feed" us during this day!  www.vbwim.org  

We're gaining such support through sponsorships and excitement toward the day.  We have lots of space for the festival, so register today!  The first 60 who register will have an extra-special handmade "treat" in their participant bags.  

You have a taste of why I'm so excited!  and a busy bee!

birthday week in review

stop and smell the roses...or the tulips and lilies. 

 

jo's actual birthday - birthday cake.  cake three.  birthday three.

cake two.  party two.  

[first cupcakes at school + birthday parade & song fun]

window decor.  sewn fabrics in a chain.  fish on the end.  

these make me happy.

all of jo's friends and our friends played well together, with excitement building for each in the days before his party.  we gathered at the house for some worm painting, "fishing" with felt fish & handmade pole, food, flowers, and good conversation.  party preparation takes time and energy, but i took my time each day or two making something for the party & casually thinking through what would be simple + meaningful to jo on his day.  we achieved success with a good party, no tears (that i remember) and a good day following.  

sometimes these events are overwhelming for our son.  he's so young and still plays so much alone or with an adult.  i want to nurture him in appropriate ways to be social but also to be his autonomous self.  i, we, are proud of our son for his growth, his learning, his bright smiles, and most especially his love for others.  

we have played slow in the snow each day since his birthday weekend.  we have traveled with friends.  jo befriended families in 2 of the 3 restaurants between baltimore and metro d.c.  it's been a full week.  not for rushing or worrying about details, but full for the space our friends & loved ones occupy in our lives, in our hearts.  thanks, friends. 

today...

my thoughts are with a friend who is beginning stages of labor.  love you, black betty!  

my thoughts are with many i left last night with the bereavement group.  peace to you.  

deep breath.  open eyes.  fresh day.  

soak in the sun streaming through the kitchen window. 

enjoy this moment.  enjoy this day. 

cheers.

materials for support

hello from my dragon!  he's working hard in his kitchen making cheese stick soup.  yum.  if you don't have the recipe, i'm sure he'll share!  here's my light and joy before you.  he's my reason for getting warm today and proclaiming "snow day".  

among the items on our "to do" today, i wanted to invite you to take a few moments to sort through unused crafting supplies.  here's why:  many of you know that i am contracted to lead support groups throughout the year.  some are for families of those living with chronic illness, while the large majority are for bereavement support.  the winter 2009 group will begin in february. 

for those who would like to participate, we are accepting donations of materials that can be used in sewing projects.  items such as: fabric, felt, ribbon, buttons, beads, needles, thread,1/2 used bags of batting and poly-fill, scissors, sewing notions, fabric markers, fabric crayons, sewing machine, etc.  you get the idea.  

richmond, va drop off locations include:  ginter park baptist church on the northisde of richmond, va, grace baptist church near carytown in windsor farms, and fleur fabrics located in the fan.  directions on each of their pages.  if you have materials to share, please do.  check out fleur fabrics' blog and info about the new fabric swap that will be ongoing in the shop.  her swap was a huge success.  (you'll see me sifting through fabric + a cool pict of my basket.)  i found some great fabric for the group there and at the richmond craft mafia's craft swap.  if you're out of town and would like to send items, you can mail them to me.  Contact me via email found on my website and I'll give you my address.  Anyone who goes to the trouble of mailing items receives one of my latest blockprint cards + magnet (as seen in the image below) as a generous way of saying thanks!

my attention is split these days among the support group planning & prep, making new wears for the gallery shops, adding plans to the book proposal, and hey--caring for the family, with a few other projects thrown in-between.  

so far our self proclaimed snow day has been really fun and productive.  joseph helped me do some printing today using the "antique wood blocks from india" that i found at the RCM's craft swap.  They are a nice compliment to some of my own not-so-antique blocks.  i'm dreaming of new prints incorporating newsprint blocks from yester-year.  if you find any, let me know.  i'm always happy to do some custom art trading!

now for an afternoon of books, hot tea, coloring, and happy times.  cheers!

in with the new...

good things are happening.  good, meaningful conversations are taking place.  friends are around us and we are feeling good.  that doesn't mean that my home is always clean or that we take naps every day.  what it does mean is that there are some professional moments of success brewing.  my wears will soon be in a new glam gallery in richmond and possibly at another cool spot.  i'll link to that space when it's officially "there".  you'll also get some sneak peaks of the work that is being made.  a page of these cool shops will come on the site, too.  long overdue.

i'm in discussion with a publishing company who maybe using one of my prints as a prayer in a women's voice compilation.  AND i'm really putting energy into a book idea i've had for some time.  i'm very excited to see what can come from each of these opportunities.  i mention it here because this is a record of the journey.  stating my hopes and movements forward is good.  the energy and focus shifts and we move forward together.  it's also a little nerve racking!  so many plans and hopes fill our minds that we don't share, it's a brave moment when we say to the world, "hey, i'm here.  i have something to offer that you want, world.  i think that what i have to offer can help, while we're at it!  so, world, welcome me. receive my creativity and let's move forward together."  whew.  no cute picts today.  just the one you can create in your mind.  

a young woman sits in her bathroom watching a blonde haired boy create his dish of the day using duplo blocks, bathtub bubbles, and other colorful toys.  she's typing to the tunes of dan zanes when she spies little eyes bent low watching.  quiet eyes.  twinkling eyes.  she looks up and her little one smiles bright, then continues cooking.  aah.  these moments are priceless.  i love my life.  even the water on the floor is good.  he's singing and building.  there's a lot of creative love in this little space.  

and folks, this wee space online is a highlight.  i enjoy hearing from you who share that you read my words, following these thoughts until the next.  i appreciate all the thoughtful blogs that i read and am inspired by.  so thanks.  

and now to finish our nightly routine.  tonight will be complete with some sewing while quietly sipping great orange spice tea of the great mother's.  love that spice tea!  she and that tea warm my heart.  read her blog if you don't already.  cheers.

"it's in the bag"

oh, la, la...clutch.  i love how layering the paints turned out on this garden inspired clutch.  when i'm in the soil, adding plants and seeds to the earth, i am at peace.  this clutch is meant to speak peace and happiness.  

handbag with my signature concentric circles.  some stitching for embellishment creating some flowers, a slight theme.  hope and joy is this bag's unspoken blessing.  each made with love to benefit families who deal with cancer.  we are all touched by cancer through our friends, those in our family, or in our community.  many of the bereavement families i have worked with were families dealing with cancer.  support a great cause through this event: 

it's in the bag silent & live auction 

October 16, 2008 6:30-8:30 p.m.  

For more information or for tickets to the event go to the LINC website.

check out a selection of other bags for auction here.  not all are listed, as there are over 100!