life stories: beach memories, continued.

stepping onto the sand, i am connected to my childhood self.  

i am connected to the teenage me, the mothering me, 

and the friend who sits and rests well on the beach with others.

i toss on my jacket and walk, gathering my rest and renewal before leading. 

my feet must have a few new shots using the fancy smancy iphone applications.

and i sit in stillness and listen.  

i soak in the goodness surrounding me through my senses.  

i review my created retreat booklet for the weekend before me.  

i am centered and whole.

and i find a moment to see what is full and what needs release. 

 i am present to myself before turning and returning to the cottage to be fully present to others.  

life stories: seeking the creative balance ((reposted))

life stories: seeking the creative balance was originally published on 19 October 2009.  i revisit this post today as i continue to seek creative balance. i'll be highlighting some past posts and creating markers of where i am today.  these posts come from the need to mark these moments in life, just as i was speaking of approaching my sweet boy's fifth birthday.  in my sixth year of motherhood, my 13th or 14th year of ministry (i'll have to do the math),  eighth year of bereavement group facilitation, seventh year of marriage, i feel called to pause, to sit and to listen. to have that internal dialogue and share it here with you.

new routines have become a part of my daily rhythm. lessons come, but with time between to ingest. among my favorite new routines are those from days past, now picked up again. i've come to believe that to achieve balance, you must begin with your body. both what you do with your body and what you put into your body. using concentric circle imagery, these attitudes toward balance are stacked on another, flowing together in the pursuit of wholeness and peace:

be-ing. attention is given to how breath & presence through previous posts. so, so important. to be in my own skin. to be still and aware. breathing deeply brings so much awareness to my moments. the present moment is here and i am aware.

breath work + exercise. daily pilates and/or walking. when i didn't give myself enough time to exercise before heading out to set up for an art show last thursday, my energy & attention wasn't so hot. i exercised a little later in the day, but wasn't quite myself come the evening's bereavement support group. my body's rhythm was "off". learning, i built in more time on friday morning before dashing to the show. there's new rhythm to my body's workings: my attention, my appetite, and my energy. over the last 6 weeks, exercise has said: "i'm here to stay. you've made room, and there's no turning back." while i've said for years that i couldn't run/jog because i didn't know how to breathe. now i'm learning: deep breathing in meditation plays into the way i breathe in exercise. connections.

listening to my inner wisdom. do you have those moments where you're aware, so aware of a choice you should make, or a move you should pursue? then, for some reason you don't go with that wisdom. well, each time i find that i learn to trust my inner wisdom. each chance to listen is a deepening of understanding. hopefully i'll find more balance with wisdom's call.

attending to my 'gut instincts'. while i think i was once one to say exactly what i thought, to be with those who were most in tune with me, and to attend to my own needs, i'd lost some of that over time. i think we clergy can forget ourselves in the pursuit of caring for others. in this attempt to find wholeness, i've had to strip off some of the layers of caring what others think. i've needed to move into borrowing something of Empty Space Coaching's question: "does it love me?" while heather explores this question surrounding food, i'm exploring it around people and attitudes. does everything or everyone have to love me? no. should i expect to surround myself with only love? well, given the choice i would, but is it even possible? not everything or everyone will love me. but here's the trick: i only want to hold onto the images, people, and comments that do love me. the negative thoughts, critical comments that don't produce good energy or deepening thoughts or welcomed work within shouldn't hang around. nope, nada. gone. even those comments that i may have mis-understood and held onto are getting tossed or challenged. i'll just ask that person if that's what he/she meant (something i heard as negative or uncaring) and move on.

friends. i love surrounding myself with my friends, but as friendships change and i adapt to new rhythms, i'm learning that's OK. i have not been investing as much energy into calling, scheduling, & running around. there's need for balance in relationships, and i've been noticing when it's not present. i don't mind work, but a new way of working is in order. so i'm making efforts to balance energy-giving with energy-receiving relationships. we'll see where these go.

food. i'm eating good food, but only what i need. i'm not as hungry. i'm more disciplined in the types of foods i am eating, and in the timing in which i eat. my husband and i talk about the power of a good breakfast. wow! you mean what nutritionists say is true? maybe so.

by caring for myself, giving myself time for exercise, breakfast (i skipped this most of the time), sweeping the floor (yes, it's on the list), and all the projects between i'm feeling good. i'm feeling closer to wholeness, closer to my core self. it's a good feeling.

there's a search for balance and re-balance. a search for wholeness and peace. while each day brings promise, i am aware of life's challenges, too. many of my sweet friends & clergy friends say that my facebook/twitter comments are so upbeat and cheerful. we'll see how that goes through the gray days of winter. for now, these crisp fall days bring hope. i feel good and i want to share those good feelings and energy with others.

time for self, family, and art + spirit restores me to the core of me. i'm ready for those friends who just "drop by" and brighten my day. i'm ready with tea and baked bread (some days) and mostly, i'm ready for the good times ahead. i'm getting to know myself all over again. i just hope that as you know me, well, like anyone, i hope to be accepted and loved for who i am. i will be hopeful and upbeat all the while the same truth-teller and pastoral support that i am.

daily bread: good quotes no. 24

“At the center of your being

you have the answer;

you know who you are

and you know what you want.”

~ Lao Tzu

~via FB friend

life stories: tree reflections

of all the sacred spaces trees represent so much to my spirituality. i know you'll find connection in those spaces, because you're connected, too. lately i've been giving time and energy in considering where my roots are planted, both physically and emotionally. think of the process from a holistic perspective : mind, body, and spirit. the space i occupy feeds me, and i believe i am to nurture that space in order to grow more fully.

so i share thanks and name what feeds my soul, from the very soil that my tree is rooted.

through relationships, chance encounters with kindred spirits

from the colors that surround

connecting to nature, in moments and large pieces of time

finding a good mug, filling it with something warm, and holding it with two hands

reading a good book

sharing stories of life in the dark spaces and in areas of growth and change

a visit to my amazing, spiritual therapist

practicing yoga

being loved by my loves

speaking with a treasured soul

laughing

loving

sharing

cooking

...

there are so many spaces that i know offer renewal. there are also spaces where i go that take the life out of me, where just entering the room knocks the wind out of my sails. where i am not who i am everywhere else. i'm offering myself the time and space to breathe deeply, to stand in the light of truth, and to offer are in knowing myself better. rather than soak in the anxiety and woo-woo that surrounds me in those moments, i can stand tall and be myself. that's mine to own.

we're each created from a sacred source, from a well of water that runs deep. i aim to connect to that source of light and life on a daily basis, hourly basis as i'm able. i find that connecting to the source of life, to the sacred well, to the very water we're created from is the way in which my soul is nourished. the spaces in which that well runs differs day by day, though i'm learning some tricks.

bath salts are amazing. taking off my shoes and walking in the grass grounds me. taking my shoes off anywhere is grounding. a deep breath is a gift. shaking the dust off my feet when i am home, leaving the day at the door is a good practice.

i'm not perfect. nope. wouldn't claim to be. we're each on a journey to know ourselves. i am so amazed by how well we can know ourselves in this moment, this day, touching our wisdom even for a split second. while it's a sacred practice of centering, moving directly to the source of life, i know that it happens in the dirt: in the daily art of living. life is in the dirt.

where are you rooted?

where do you find the renewal and rest?

where are you given the opportunity to grow?

life stories: bright beginnings

i'm always amazed when someone says to me that i've preached a good sermon, that i've spoken well, or told i'm good at what i do. i've heard a bit of this lately, and something of these good words is starting to sink in. i have the intrinsic value. i know what comes from my hands is good and that the process works within me.

it's a gift, you see, when someone offers these compliments. yet... it's hard for me to hear them, to take them and receive them. so i've made it something of a practice and challenge. first, i say thank you to the one offering the comment. and sometimes they repeat it because i don't know what i reflect to them, but they know i didn't receive it so well. i listen to those words over and again, offering them to myself almost as food. why? because those are never the words that stick with me. i am the one to hang onto the one slightly critical comment of the other rave reviews. i listen to those and give them more weight than should be given.

yet... there is space for bright beginnings. today i celebrate the good work that comes from within. i celebrate that the more i stand in the center of my being, the more i am more whole. i celebrate the recognition of my own life balance, both in the daily rhythm of life and also in the awareness and growth happening within. i celebrate the language i use and the way in which it has come into being over the years. i celebrate that by standing in my sacred center, i influence others. i hear your language changing. i see you take up that creative project and use your hands. i've seen some of you move from complaining to enjoying life. wow. transformations abound. it's quite amazing. i'm proud of you. i'm proud of us.

i celebrate what i know. i recognize the goodness in the work i'm doing, the work we're doing together. i know that as we move forward, move closer to healing, we are healed. i know that as we receive the gifts presented to us, we are given something very special and sacred.

there's a lifetime ahead and i am thankful. so, so thankful. i am reminded today that i need to move forward allowing whatever is emerging from within me to have the space, time, and energy to grow. i need to make the time for that goodness to happen. it just might be my gift to you. i want to treat it well, just as i want to treat you well. i feel this post is an echo of earlier posts, of my voice moving across time, saying something of the same, but with a different sound.

so, thank you for good words. i'm using a few here myself. a toast: cheers to compliments. and a wish: make merry as you look to your sacred center, finding your life balance and balance within you.

may you eat well, create well, and live well this day.

three! still pondering...

your words are so humbling. i know that you're there, but my goodness. i'm truly grateful. as i move into this weekend of sharing my art both through vending the wears and preaching a sermon, i am moving with grateful steps. each action this week allows me to breathe well, with creative others surrounding me. with the completion of each action this week, i breathe deeper, thankful that i move well from one task into the next.

as i move from each task to the next, i want to take care to use words well, to remain focused in the present and to the task at hand. however, it's in the spaces like this week that i am reminded by the wisdom of elmer that i'm to schedule time to prepare myself before the work that's to take place.

so tonight, i sit still. tonight i think of you and this space we share together. i think of all that i want to embody in the sermon on sunday. i think of sharing it with you, even though that makes me a bit nervous. indeed, it does.

i think of my sleeping son, who was sleeping well when i came into his room from vending today. i turned off his lantern and gave him a kiss. there in the space of his room i see the peace that he breathes into his being in a warm, comfort-filled home. i feel the peace that flows through me as i look upon his sweet face.

the normal ebb and flow that takes place for me in motherhood, ministry, and the arts has a different feel this week. i've had great encounters, room for potential partnerships, retreats, and blogging opportunities. i have the incredible space to work with in the new studio & was able to begin round 2 of outfitting the space. i have witnessed joy-filled moments for my sweet boy. i have been challenged to embody a sacred text from scripture and listen to its wisdom in a new way. life is life. it's what we're given. sometimes it's what we name for ourselves, opening our souls up for new experiences.

i'm open to new, but i'm mindful of how much i have said i would do and have yet to finish. so, three years later, i'm still moving. i'm moving forward. yet i do remember promises i've made to myself: to actually WRITE the book i've been talking about for too, too long. to COMPLETE the painted prayer chair curriculum and start producing more of the ministry i offer in a way that others can create the good work in their settings. yes, i do remember a few promises made and i'm determined to fertilize a few in the coming days, which i'm thinking of in the next 6-12 months.

while i'm not goal oriented in traditional ways, i am mindful of my process of sacred centering. as such, i'll model what i hope for each of us, centering on the sacred and what brings us to the center of our being, to our souls. i center on each breath, breathing in peace, breathing out peace. i center on love, the love that surrounds me and the love that radiates from me. i center on creativity, the creativity i have to offer and the creativity that can emanate from others with introductions. i center on story, and good stories at that. the best of stories.

so, i offer you my soul tonight, in the way i am pondering the present, wrestling with sacred texts in scripture, and in the way i am feeling quite grateful. i leave you with these three themes and a few more as i continue to celebrate the blog birthday! remember to leave a post for the blog birthday entry.

peace be yours. peace be.

blog birthday! we've turned three!

on the 14 october 2007 i welcomed you to this blog. since then i've written about motherhood, ministry, and the arts. sometimes one side of the discussion is present more than another. sometimes there is silence. but always, i have found appreciation and welcome from you. you are kind, caring, and thoughtful. you have emailed and commented. you have sent good energy and encouragement. i know you're there.

sometimes if i think too hard i worry about what you'll think. but mostly i don't because this is a safe space for my pondering, reflection, prayer, life stories, recipes, photos, art, invitations, and so much more. i've been dreaming lately about how to express my thanks. how to say hello! and i'm so glad you're here.

so...i'd like to invite you to say hello! and let me know what you value most here. you may just want to say hello or perhaps mention a favorite post or post series. maybe 2 of you or 20 of you comment. maybe not. either way, it's our birthday and i'm so glad. it's a celebration and i've invited you to the party.

now for the presents! for three of you folks who share a good word on this post through a comment, you'll be given *through a random number generator* a present. i like giving away presents. comments will be welcome, but the opportunity for the gift(s) end on sunday, october 17th. it's a birthday month! my mother has a birthday this month, and my grandmother's birthday just passed. my love and my mother in law celebrated birthdays as well. these made and make me me. they gave me life and continue to influence my art, my love, and my daily acts of creativity. in honor of them, i gifts include some of my prize creations and a special block print:

peace to you and yours this day. happy birthday, reverend artist mother.

here's to many more! cheers!

daily bread: good quotes no. 9

When I am operating at my best, my work is my prayer.

It comes out of the same place that prayer comes out of - the center, the heart.

~Matthew Fox, PHD

life stories: {this moment} stepping into myself

there is power in naming. there is movement within each step, however small.

once upon a time i didn't call myself an artist. during that time i would say i was creative, yes. but mostly i let others name me. i listened to my friends talk about how creative i was and sometimes i was able to say thank you rather than just passively listen to their good words. it was hard to hear. sometimes compliments are.

as i was listening to the shared story of a kindred spirit, i was hearing her struggle with naming herself as an artist. i hear you! her words took me back to the days that i was wavering in my own definition of who i was.

another friend has commented on her desire to be free to just BE, letting go of what others might think of her. to be present in the world without that restraint would be freedom for her.

as i walked this morning, these two conversations met in my reflections. i let my mind wander and i began to remember those voices calling my name as artist before i did. i remember those dear souls who called me a pastor and a preacher before i ever did. their voices and impressions of me made an impact. their voices return to me today as i take one step and another. their voices became midwives to the birthing that was taking shape within me. birthing to say YES to myself, to say YES to the spirit at work within me, to say YES to the presence of something good that is me.

recognizing and naming who we are is a holy task in any moment. i think we need to shed some of the negative notions of how we view ourselves in order to see what's really present. my imagery returns to the concentric circles, moving closer to the sacred center by moving into a deeper understanding of our soul, allowing our spirit freedom and space to grow and to BE.

some days centering takes place around these moments where remembering brings enlightenment in the present. sometimes it takes listening to the good words from others to enable us to name for ourselves what is within us. for me: artist. mother. minister.

as i approach the three year anniversary of this blog, i am reminded again of why i named it reverend artist mother. first, i was completely inspired by a fellow clergy woman whose blog kept ringing in my ears: reverend mother. second, a recognition in who i am called to be. in naming this blog, i named a part of how i identify with myself and work in the world. i named what i couldn't for so long, but needed to type it, speak it, and practice the words. within a sacred circle of voices of young clergy women, who encouraged me as much as the wise ones from many moments in life, i created a space to practice the words. i created this space as a means to move within my remembrances, name within the present, and to share with others in this journey.

often that is what friends and kindred spirits and creativity circles can be about: naming what needs to be named, saying what needs to be said, even if it's just practicing the words to see how they feel, how they fit within the circle of life that surrounds us.

there's wisdom that is present in doubt, believe it or not. i've learned that my inner critic sometimes has something worth hearing. yet there are other moments when it's a bit crippling and unhelpful. we use wisdom to discerning which is which.

there are midwives among us whose words resonate well. there are also some folks who just want to poop all over everything. (forgive me, but it's true.) so we develop the wisdom and presence within ourselves in the moment to take in what is healthy, to release what is not healthy or beneficial, and we move on. we structure our days to bring life balance, joy, gratitude. we encircle those who need care, prayers, and good love. we make do with what we have and we learn to find peace in what is and work toward the dreamy goodness that can be found in other moments.

and we create a sacred circle of kindred spirits to encircle us, folks we know and love and trust. folks that can sometimes be the soft side of velcro and sometimes the rough. i know that i need truth telling and compassion. to see life and death. to know that there is a wide world moving beneath our feet and that the world can be changed with the smallest steps taken on a morning walk.

life stories: a week of routine & chaos

we welcomed the return to a school routine pretty well. up early, lunches packed, the boys off to school. i exercised daily and showered. (always a good mark of accomplishment.) to off set these return-to-routine moments, there were the "are you serious?" moments: keys misplaced a couple of times, phone left behind in a friend's car, an incident poking my eye with a limb on the blueberry bush while weeding (as a cool down from exercise), smoking the house by burning something on the stove (which i NEVER do but have now), and my sweet boy burning his thumb on a curling iron after the warning: do not touch this because it will get really hot.

these are just glimpses of moments where i was a bit thrown off, a bit shaken, a bit dizzy. nothing life altering or worth complaint, but worth remark.

is there something with the return-to-routine that other daily habits get mixed up in the bag and poured out in a crazy way? is there a flood of creative thought that is tossing the daily living to the side and life gets a little muddled?

even conversations have been a bit muddled here and there, but mostly i've been so excited and thankful. seriously excited. filled with gratitude. i've found the keys. my phone is in hand. my eye has healed, abd the house aired out and now smells more like the lavender + basil scents we enjoy. the boy's thumb is healing. my love and i had a date night to the movies. i signed a contract for a new studio space. it's been a good, restful yet chaotic week.

there's always something in life bringing in laughter, tears, and a flurry of other emotions. i carry the families i've worked with in bereavement groups with me. there is always perspective as a sweet three year old is undergoing chemo and the effects, as adult children care for their aging parents. there is perspective and there is the daily present. i look at the moment as it is: the moment. i plan ahead for meals, for play dates, and set aside time to create and day dream a little. i light a prayer candle and stitch thinking of others, praying for well being and healing.

hopefully with each week there comes a balance with the crazy, silly muddles in life and the serious, good, sacred moments. of course, the sacred just as present in the crazy, silly muddles as the sacred is present in the everyday. the sacred is present in routine and in chaos.

so i'll continue to center each day. i'll walk and listen. i'll practice yoga and make time for silent meditation (a practice will be more consistent with). i'll sit and sew. i'll sweep and make peace. i'll return to calm and laugh, maybe even return to calm and cry a little. within each moment it will be what it IS. it will be creative. it will BE and i will be there present to each moment, routine or chaotic. welcome or surprising.

daily bread: a prayer for nourishment

in whatever form this blessing finds you, receive it as you read it. make it yours as you translate it to your space in life this day:

may your spirit be nourished through the work of your hands.

may your children feel the blessing of your presence,

renewed and refreshed, all the way to their toes.

life stories: {this moment} if nothing else

if i can do nothing else than be present to wonder,

if i can do nothing else than honor the food from the farm,

if i can do nothing else than thank the ones who loves me well,

if i can do nothing else than love those whom i treasure,

if i can do nothing else than attune my focus to this moment,

if i can do nothing else than to simply be,

i can be well.

life stories: this moment.

resting, waking.

pausing, pondering.

opening, enfolding.

resting, waiting.

creating, playing.

gathering, witnessing.

called to create with each moment, each step.

writing in stillness and silence.

reflecting in talking and laughing.

each moment is a breath. each breath a moment.

walking into the Be-ing of me, opening the windows to my soul.