over many moons i've pondered.
i've thought about my calling. i've thought about this space. i've thought about the stories i'm told. i've considered my actions and words as i live into the book i wish to write. i'd become a bit more obsessive over how my words were used and how i was being reflected by others. somewhere in there i think i became a little less aware of the words i was using when speaking to others.
i've hurt someone. i'm deeply sorry for doing that. i've been hurt. i'm sorry for that, too. time passes so quickly. sometimes we give some relationships more meaning than others. some relationships end up drawing more of our energy. some give us more energy than we give. sometimes we get caught in old cycles of behavior that's hard to pull out of. ((i think you can identify with the beauty and complexity of relationships and know something about what i'm saying.))
over many moons i've pondered.
self awareness is so key. i rely on those in my inner circle, my tribe, to speak up when i'm off my center. i rely on others to share with me when i'm naval gazing or when my ego takes over. ((oh, yes. it can.)) when i'm living out the song from Annie Get Your Gun : "anything you can do, i can do better. i can do anything better than you. no you can't. yes i can." ug. how annoying! i've been on both sides of that song. and i know that i've annoyed others. i can just feel it. most of the time i don't feel or think i'm better than another, but am trying to be seen. there are times when i want the person in front of me to look into my eyes and take notice. that's the child in me wanting to be fully loved and appreciated. that's the child in me wanting to be seen when she feels completely invisible. ((how many of us feel this way? a lot, i imagine.))
i hope to present the truths i know: nothing is new here. i'm not better. i'm not trying too hard. it's not me jumping up and down saying "here i am. over here. see me."
HERE. i'm here.
in this space trying to breathe life into the daily reminder: i am enough. i sit and type words that i believe will bring light and life to others. i hope that my words hold that sort of truth.
as i think about my own voice and where i choose to use my voice, i reflect. i picture myself as an echo from long ago, speaking old words that resonate with my life story. my experience of life is my own, yet i'm anchored by my ancestors. i react from my earliest lessons learned and from the emotional pathways i've recreated.
my silence here stems from lessons i'm trying to learn. my silence here is related to a few things: writing my book, living my book ((a.k.a. a creative life)), and loving myself ((restful practices of self care)). my silence here is also related to a few realities: i'm busy. crazy busy some days. i get busy pondering, cycling through routines, and pushing myself farther. i can get distracted as i focus my attention. AND my iphone camera is really sad these days. my photos ((or lack of them)) have taken my energy away from blogging. sad but true. i've left called to create behind in many ways because the photos are puny. yet, it's okay for puny photos. it's okay to have a post with all text. i can handle that. i've taken them and it's time to show up with them. i have a practice to keep and record. ((i'm afraid i've let some folks down by that silence.))
yet... here i am. i'm not fully silent. and sometimes my iphone camera can get a good picture or two in.
in many ways i feel like i'm gaining energy again for this space. as my writing pulls together for the book proposal i'm freed in many ways. i don't worry so much about how my writing is used or taken by others. i'm honored you read it. i'm honored you're present to my life story, witnessing my life through these words. we're all able to read and articulate our thoughts for ourselves. i trust you with my words. and i hope if you need to question me, you'll share those questions with me.
i need to remain mindful of the spaces i abide and how i speak about others. may words flow in light and truth.
oh, there is so much to tell. i'm not sure where to start, but i'll come here again and again and share stories and words.
i appreciate hearing what you've missed and what you hope for. you'll see much of that taking shape along the way, and i'll tell you more explictly about that in the future.
for now, rest. renew. find and create ways to nurture the you that is you. use your voice. the world needs you! we all need each other.