15 January 2011

life stories: the grace of naming

there are days when i can articulate clearly my hopes and my longings. there are days when i can shove off the complaints surrounding me. there are days when the space i occupy is all my own, regardless of what surrounds me.

there are also days where i can get pulled into the whirlpool of other's negativity. where my own complaints become louder in my mind than they should, when i am engaged in self-doubt and stuck in the muck of it all. as a person lives with anxious tendencies, i know that i can suck up all the anxiety that surrounds me in the world and let it reside within me. i know that i will get sick if i do that too much. so, i've attuned myself to be light that surrounds the anxiety, but does not drink it in. i allow myself the space between. i don't avoid the darkness or the dark spaces of thought. i will not be consumed by that darkness.

so i surround myself with beautiful people that care for me. their beauty comes from their ability to see me, to tell truth, to share of themselves. i also care for myself by making art. i create in the midst of grief & loss. i create in spaces of unknowing and anger. i create to relieve anxiety. i breathe in the present and allow what is before me to surround me. i engage my senses and allow myself the space to grieve, to allow sadness to overcome me. i cry when i need to. i love often. and i believe that there is darkness and light. i believe that the darkness isn't always a negative or downtrodden space. it's a space for growth, life, and abundance.

the seed rests in the dark.

so i name what is before me. i celebrate life and what is. i mourn. i grieve. i honor. i name. it's that truth telling that i live in. it's the muck. it's the dirt. it's dusty and lovely and real.

last summer a dear soul told me that my FB statuses are the benedictions for her day. who, me? and others among that conversation echoed her statement. i am honored, but also a bit embarrassed. my shyness turned on and i have held my tongue at times. why? i'm not sure, but i have a sneaking suspicion that the doubt and inner critic took over. i've slowly allowed myself back into saying what i want to say. naming what's before me and what's attune with my spirit. i believe in naming all the way to my toes.

we ground ourselves in naming what's before us. we establish our roots deep as we say to ourselves and the universe: hey, it's me. i'm here. i'm taking root and i'll be writing this year. there will be a lot of words. i'll doubt some, but i'll trust more. i'll write my heart and soul into a new creation and it will be good. i'll be enough. i won't worry about the voice inside that says, "who are you to say such things?" or "what will so-and-so think." instead, i'll say to myself, "hear my words. this is my gift through the steps i've taken until now." and i'll trust my voice. i'll live from the center of my being which is the greatest truth i know. i'll rest well and delight. i'll live well.

there's grace in naming what is true in this moment. there's a space of love and belonging when you hear yourself say out loud what brings delight. there are spaces of truth for each of us. i plan to live well within my own space of truth and life. i plan to listen well as i sit with those who grieve, for i'm called to be a witness. i plan to carve well as i make new prints, for i'm called to create. i plan to love well, for i am called to motherhood. i plan to be. to just be me. in all spaces and every day. just be.

may the spaces that surround you allow you the grace to grow well, to name well, and to live well.

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